Delightful Hands

Delightful Hands by Andrew Pace

Full Title: Delightful Hands: Your Key to Her Erotic Zones
: Andrew Pace
Publisher: Pace Publishing [Self] (2014)
Number of Pages: 145
How long it took me to read: 1 week
Where I bought this book: Uncustomary Book Submission

Like a Moth to a Flame

I’ve been known to read the occasional sex manual. When I was considering having sex for the first time when I was 19 or so, my first instinct was to do as much research as possible. If I wanted to pass a test in class, the first thing I would do was read the material: why not learn about sex the same way? So, I took to the Internet. When I was overwhelmed by the mass of contradictions, blatant impossibilities, and very poorly drawn diagrams, I went to my local Barnes & Noble to flip through everything from the fairly mild Glamour magazine advice columns to all the manuals and handbooks in the Sex and Health section I could glance at before a stranger made awkward eye contact with me. I never bought anything. I was too afraid I would have to make strained small talk with the cashier. “Your borderline pornographic purchase will be 27 dollars and 56 cents. Have a great day, slut!” I was afraid to buy online because I thought something might show up on my debit card statement, which my parents could still view.

That was years ago now, so maybe I’m due for a refresher course. Delightful Hands seems particularly unique in that it focuses on women’s sexual satisfaction, which I am all in favor of. Unfortunately, that does mean it is primarily written for men. Maybe I’ll learn a little something about myself and what I actually want in the process.

Favorite Five

I propose that the top 5 quotes from this book are:

5. “We know from experience that what works for one woman quite often doesn’t work for another which explains why men often fail in their efforts to pleasure women because their knowledge of orgasm methods is very limited.” (p.10)

4. “Most men have received frequent email promotions guaranteeing to grow their penis by at least three inches. View the enlargement websites with great skepticism and avoid the penis growth pills. However, there is a natural exercise method that in most cases will increase penis length and girth a noticeable amount, but not three inches.” (p.108)

3. “Women enjoy being kissed all over. Kiss her gently and often in different places around her face: her lips, chin, side of her nose, cheeks, tops of eyelids, forehead, ears, just in front of her ears, and various points on her neck. Then cover her upper and lower body with kisses as described below. Kissing is romantic. She loves romance. Kissing is a form of foreplay and is a critical ingredient in starting her on the path to orgasm.” (p.19)

2. “The clitoris is estimated to have about 8,000 sensory nerve endings, more than any other part of the body. That is why it is super sensitive to our touch and so important to her orgasmic responses.” (p.30)

…and my pick for the No.1 quote is…

1. “Remember to hold her in your arms for a few minutes after making love. Don’t just roll over and go to sleep immediately. The spoon position is very comforting and intimate. She will appreciate this gesture of your caring and tenderness. It will make a positive difference in her feelings about making love with you in the future.” (p.132)

Conversation with the Reader

While I read, I write, and as I write, I read. Here’s some of what I wrote while I read this book:

“I’m a little over ten pages in and we are already into the practical stuff. The introduction has an outline before the first chapter that delineates, along with a great many other techniques, four different styles of cunnilingus. I was under the impression that there was only one kind, and that it was pretty straightforward. It’s going to take a brave and dedicated man to get past this page.

“There are four steps to better sex, according to Pace. First is pinpointing ‘sexually sensitive places.’ Second is learning how to ‘stimulate’ those places. Third is the step-by-step approach to achieving orgasm. And the fourth thing is ‘how to relax a woman and put her in the mood for great sex (Chapter 17), which is actually the first step to sexual success.’ Why is how to help your lady friend relax in Chapter 17 if it’s the first step to sexual success? Why isn’t it in Chapter 1? Why wasn’t it the first step listed when he listed the four steps? While the information I’ve read so far seems informed and helpful, I really don’t understand how this book is organized. Maybe Pace thought if he dived right into discussing the more hardcore forms of foreplay that it would draw the reader in. Maybe it’s the woman in me that likes things to start off slow that wishes he would ease into the more dramatic parts of his instruction rather than rushing into the fray. It seems oddly aggressive for a book that wants to focus on helping people relax and enjoy themselves.”

“The role of women in this book seems to be fairly passive. That’s what I expected, since it is a book directed towards men, teaching them how to act upon women. But in Chapter 3, where Pace begins writing about why the book is for men (which, again, seems out of place—shouldn’t this be an introductory thought?), he explains that women prefer for men to be leaders in the bedroom: men are supposed to be ‘knowledgeable, skillful, adept, gentle, persistent, and confidently able to pleasure her in many different ways,’ and women are supposed to like ‘being moved around in bed and positioned by their mates as if they were on a dance floor.’ This section makes me distinctly uncomfortable.

“Firstly, while this may be very heteronormative and anti-feminist of me, let me clarify that I actually heartily enjoy gender norms. Gender norms are the intangible but iron-clad expectations society thrusts upon individuals because they happened to be born with certain genitalia: women are expected to be passive nurturers, domestic goddesses; men are the active providers, protective warrior-types. I think, in most cases, gender norms are a very useful tool. Society didn’t create them out of the air; they speak to human beings at a very base, biological level. Men and women’s personal need to fulfill societal expectations, even the expectations of gender, though arbitrary, is inherent and not to be completely ignored without consequences. I think if a heterosexual couple begins with gender norms as a starting point for their relationship, it gives them a shared language and foundation to build the complexities of their own, unique relationship. However, gender norms are not universal, which means they are not for everyone. And sometimes they can be harmful, if not toxic.

“I think it would be very intimidating for a man to be told, forthright, that a woman wants him to be knowledgeable, skillful, adept, gentle, persistent, and confidently able to pleasure her in many different ways. That list describes the idealized hero of a formulaic harlequin novel, not a real person. This societal ideal carries all the weight and burden of striving, of decision making and taking action. I don’t know that it would be worth all the effort of becoming this glorified non-person if all my energy was being poured into a passive vessel. I would want to know that my lover was putting in the same persistence and skill that I was. Sex is a two-person job, and Pace’s idea of women preferring to be moved around and positioned should be more aptly compared to putting a doll on a shelf or at a table for a tea party rather than moving her around a dance floor. If a man is going to have such high standards of his performance in the bedroom, he needs to have the same standards of the woman he’s sleeping with.”

“Even in this day and age of HBO, one-night stands, and pornography at your local bookstore, it is difficult for many of us to discuss sex with our partners. According to Pace’s statistics, a lot of us are unhappy with our sex lives, especially women, but there is still something in us that finds it a taboo topic. In Chapter 8, he discusses ways of starting a conversation with your significant other, which is something I appreciate. I didn’t even make it half way through the book before I decided that I wanted my husband to read it, but I’m still not quite sure how I’m going to suggest it to him without severely bruising his ego. I don’t want to just leave it on his desk, because I don’t want him to assume that I agree with everything it says—but there is so much information in it that I’ve wanted to tell him for years but choked on every time it was about to come out of my mouth. Things as simple as ‘Kiss me more in more places,’ or ‘I’m stressed out and anxious. Can we take a bit longer to relax?’ The book gives a list of questions for both partners to answer independently and then to discuss afterwards. It sounds a little hokey to me, but I know that sometimes structure is what I need to help me make the first step.

“However, there is never a good time to discuss sexual frustration with your partner. Someone’s going to stomp off. Someone’s going to cry. Someone’s going to feel inadequate and helpless. Sometimes, it will seem like it’s not worth discussing openly at all, and I’ll be the first person to tell you that not every situation is improved by talking about it. When I was first beginning to see myself as an independent sexual being, I don’t know that going over a self-help manual with my husband, my then boyfriend, would have helped me. I decided to explore my sexuality, and give myself some peace of mind, by reading erotic novels. Being able to navigate the marshland of conflicting sexual mores on my own was what I needed. The context given by stories was also really important to me—I’ve always been turned off by a clinical view of sex. Sometimes it’s necessary, but it certainly doesn’t make want to engage in it. While sex manuals showed me that sex was a collaborative act, erotic literature showed me that my sexuality wasn’t. If I wanted to be part of something greater than myself, I needed to figure out who I was first.

“When I delved into erotica for the first time, however, I went deep—there was nothing that my previously sheltered libido would consider off limits. I was going to be an expert. I was going to get an ‘A’. Perhaps there was a line somewhere that I crossed, a line which I suspect is different for everyone, and every time I went past it my views of sex became more and more distorted. I stopped figuring out who I was and allowed what I read to hand me my identity instead. I think that there is much more openness about sex now than there has been and for the most part, that’s a good thing. But when I see relationships and sex in the films and serials I watch and in the books I read and the people I talk to, it creates this vision in my mind of what I should be, of what I should be able to make my husband feel, of what my husband should be able to make me feel. When we can’t make each other feel that way, when we don’t have all the tools that we’ve been told we should already have, we feel like failures. But the truth is that it’s never that simple.”

“The scientist in me is balking as I write this, but I like the fact that Pace focuses on his own personal experiences as anecdotal evidence. There’s a couple of statistics here and there, but Pace’s stories and overall approach keep things from getting overly clinical, which is what can happen when you are trying to avoid the label of erotica. It’s instructive without being dry and interesting without being needlessly titillating. Not that titillating is bad, but it can be distracting when I’m trying to learn something.

“Sex manuals are not something I read casually, at least not anymore, and these days I’m more inclined to say that sex is something you should learn with your partner through humbling and comedic trial and error rather than through book-learning. However, it’s very clear to me that Pace is interested in helping people build better relationships through sex, and the best kind of sex is where both people are putting the needs of the other ahead of themselves. I’m glad someone is willing to say this to men, and I hope the women reading this review will hear it, too. It’s an attitude that can pay off in all aspects of a relationship, but, when applied to my sex life, I suspect that the benefits I reap will be especially tangible.”

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  1. Andrew Pace says:

    To: Unice B. Ramalovich (reviewer)
    Fr: Andrew Pace (author)
    Re: Delightful Hands

    Hi Unice,
    Your review of my book was thoughtful and provocative. You are correct in that it is directed to men, but for the benefit of women. Its stated objective is “to enhance female sexual satisfaction by showing men exactly how to use their hands in unique and effective ways to delight their female partner.” I hope that the book will be judged on how well it accomplishes its objective.

    You also observed that some of the chapters appear out of logical order. In the initial drafts for the ebook, this illogical order enabled prospective readers to preview some of the orgasm techniques up front. In hindsight, that was not a very good decision. In the current draft for the paperback version due out in a week or so, the chapters have been rearranged in a more natural order with the one exception of Chap. 17, Putting Her in the Mood for Great Sex. I treat that chapter more as an appendix since it does not discuss orgasm techniques per se or directly related subjects. However, I will keep your thought in mind for any further rewrites. In any case, I think you will be pleased with the reordering of the chapters that lets things start off slowly and “ease into the more dramatic parts.”

    Your discomfort as a liberated feminist with my observation that women enjoy “being moved around in bed and positioned by their mates” is understandable. In the next paragraph, I also “encourage women to be more active and aggressive in bed by using their feminine voice, lips, tongue, hands, arms, hips, and legs to respond and actively participate in the lovemaking dance …”. I agree with your thought, “If a man is going to have such high standards of his performance in the bedroom, he needs to have the same standards of the woman he’s sleeping with.” Delightful Hands provides the means for a man to achieve high standards in satisfying his partner. Regarding her performance in bed, Chap. 8 on Improving Communications Between Partners provides an opportunity for a man to give feedback to his woman on what he would like her to do in bed. But for men, it is a lot simpler and pretty straight forward, don’t you agree?

    I’ll send the latest paperback proof for you to examine. The ebook is being updated to conform to it. As soon as the paperback is listed on Amazon, I’ll send several more copies to Kat for give aways.

    Many thanks.

    Andrew Pace

    • Kat Kiddles says:

      Thanks so much for taking such careful consideration of our review, Andrew. You’ve helped guide readers through the various facets of your book, and that will hopefully clarify for them how your work can be of help.

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